HFCS: effika’s blog

I made a realization tonight. I’m still kind of emotionally frazzled, and this realization surprised me.

I was reading through some old e-mails that Ryan and I had sent between us, just after we were officially officially something (meaning that yes, we had met in person by that time). Usually when I read those I get sappy and dig up old IM conversations with more sappy gook. I did neither this time. As I read the e-mails I saw the roots of a lot of our problems during Winter of last year. They had started very early and it surprised me. I then thanked God (I don’t do that so often. Not so much of a religious type.) that we’d gotten through everything.

What I feel now for Ryan is so much different than those e-mails and IM’s of old. It’s not quite so– urgent is the word I’ll put on it. It feels so much better, though. I feel so much better in this relationship now than I ever had back in those days.

I told Ryan about it before we signed off tonight, and he said it was good that I was starting to look at things more calmly– when you are calm you don’t do so many stupid things. I’m not sure whether this means I was a rabid infatuation freak before or if he’s just hoping the calmer state of mind will prevail again. That’s how he first met me, in a much calmer state of mind than I generally am in now, or have been for the last 9 months. Perhaps my frazzled emotions are starting to get ahold of themselves. Even though I am scared sh*tless of going to college (not helped by the fact that the last chance I had to succeed at something failed miserably, and now this is the next big opportunity to either suceed or fail) maybe I’ll start handling it better. For my sake and Ryan’s sake and the sake of our relationship, I hope so. My insecurities have done a lot of damage these past months, and to be honest I really miss the old me.

*takes a deep breath* My sinuses are about to kill me for being upright for so long during allergy season so I think before I lose my bearings and land on the floor I’ll just end this entry here and stumble to bed. ‘Night all.