HFCS: effika’s blog

This is an emotional, irrational, very long entry. It’s very, very random, and about nothing in particular except my mixed up feelings right now. If you’re looking for something intelligent to read, then this is not it. It’s probably got a lot of that teen-angst stuff in it. Sometimes I have to get that stuff out, so if you’d rather not read it, you’ve been warned.

Ryan and I keep almost breaking up.

I haven’t been happy in general in at least 3 months, and so that kind of emotional baggage has been weighing on him. So between me probably being depressed and him having to deal with it there’s a lot of strain on the relationship. Things… well… it depends on how you look at it. I’ve been happier here than I have been in a long time (although that isn’t saying much), so I think that since I feel myself getting better it’ll happen. Ryan is pessimistic, and either really doesn’t know or doesn’t care to comment about how he thinks we’ll do with my actions in the future.

I used to have such a very thick skin, and somehow I lost all of that. Everything gets to me now. Like chem recitation today. I got stuck in a horribly stupid group for group work and so I ended up doing just about all of it myself, and so therefor my group didn’t finish. It’s /groupwork/, it’s supposed to be done by a group, not one person. So we missed a lot on that simply because nobody knew how to do the problems, even after looking up how to do them. So I came home, and decided I didn’t want anythign to do with people for the rest of the night. I called up Ryan and told him we could all go to dinner whenever they wanted, as I wasn’t going to go to academic team again this week and so didn’t care when we ate. Ryan wonders if I’m still on the academic team. I wonder if I even want to go. That’s a lot of weekends I would lose. I’m not sure if it’s worth it.

Ryan and I went on a walk tonight to discuss all of this. It keeps seeming like he wants to break up with me, so I started a convo about it, and to gain some privacy we went walking. Well, it was walking until I wanted to sit down, so Ryan obliged and we found a nice bench. It was kind of interesting– after a few minutes a couple who were flirting like crazy hung out on the sidewalk across from us. I felt like it was the end of our relationship, but the beginning of their’s. It wasn’t the end tonight, but I keep thinking I feel it coming. Ryan is right when he says I’m usually complaining about not getting things I want/need from him, and I’m a lot of emotional baggage he doesn’t need to deal with. We’ve had these talks before, but when they end it’s usually due to time constraints or tiredness of one of us. This time it was the same, but we at least had some sort of agreement about something or other. I’m going to try to not let things bother me so much, and if they do– and it has to do with Ryan– I should try not to cry. I can yell all I want, but he can’t stand to see me cry, he just can’t take it, and I don’t want to have to put him through that.

We also talked about why I feel like I’m just a tag-along all the time. It’s like I have no power in the group. Like today I ate lunch in my room b/c I had to study for exams. I asked Ryan if he (and Paul, too) wanted to bring his lunch up here, and he said that he and Paul were just going to eat Burger King anway. So I asked when to expect them up, and he said that they weren’t coming, but I was welcome to join them after I’d gotten done with my lunch. Ryan said I should just do what I want regardless of whether they’ll do it or not. But the problem with that is that it usually revolves around food, and I hate eating alone. I can’t do it. As much as I despise people I like having friends around to talk to while I eat. So what usually happens is I go along with them, as I don’t really have much of a choice. Since I go along with them so much it’s just assumed that I’m going to not dissent at any time, so my opinion kind of begins to go away. Or so I think, anyway. Ryan says it’s not the case, and that I needed to get some confidence in myself. He’s probably almost assuredly correct about the confidence thing, as I don’t really have much of it as of late.

I just feel like my relationship with Ryan is such a lie right now. Most people (not Paul, Ryan and Paul talk about it some, which is fine with me. I trust Paul; he’s probably my best friend outside of Ryan) just assume it’s fine and is going along perfectly well. David thinks we’re going to get married after one of us graduates from college. It’s just such bs. I don’t know if we’ll be together after tomorrow, or the day after that, let alone for years. I guess some of Ryan’s pessimism has rubbed off on me. Maybe if I can just get myself out of this rut I’ll start feeling better.

I told Ryan tonight that I’d try not to lay all my problems out on him, since it caused such problems for him. He replied, “Who else would you turn to?” He raised a very good point. I don’t have anyone else to turn to. David’s in Ada and rarely touches the Internet so I don’t talk to him much at all. Matt (a good friend of mine whom I almost dated a long time ago), also in Ada, is having problems replying to e-mails– I guess he finally got himself a social life (I hope that’s the case, if so I am very happy for him). Paul and I are good friends, but I don’t think I should tell him about all the stuff I tell Ryan about. Ryan says he probably knows more than I think he does– he apparently often tells before Ryan that I’m upset. He doesn’t say anything, though, says Ryan, because he doesn’t have anything to say. He doesn’t know what to say to resolve whatever it is or make me happy, so he simply keeps his mouth shut. Ryan said a lot of the baggage comes from not knowing what to do about what I tell him. I tired to explain that usually when I’m telling him stuff, like about the chem recitation today, I just need sympathy. I just need to get if off my chest and maybe get a hug, and I know there’s nothing he can do about it.

Ummmmm……

Rest of my night… got my book and cleaned myself up a bit in Ryan’s dorm after our walk and said a shaky goodnight to Ryan and Paul. Then I kept getting stuck in elevators with sorority girls with overpowering amouts of perfum. One girl, waiting to take her laundry up on the first floor, waved her hand in an effort to get all of that horrid smell away. I told her I knew what she meant, it was impossible to breathe in there. Then I got my sociology textbook and “studied” in the lounge on the floor with some of the people here. It was fun. It turns out they spelled Navin’s name wrong on her student ID, and she just now noticed it– yes, months after its issue, she just now noticed it! And I’m going to go to Albertson’s, probably, tomorrow with some people on my floor to get ingredients for the cook-off. Ryan’s mom got me the recipe for her really really really really really good chocolate chip cake, and I’m going to make it. I like cake, I like chocolate, and I like chocolate chip cookies. :-)

Paul’s parents are coming up this weekend. Charles is considering going back home this weekend so he can get his hair cut, as he is deathly afraid of finding a local stylist.

Ryan said he’d wait for me to get back from shopping on Friday to go eat dinner. I asked why, and he said a) he doesn’t care about Charles so he can eat by himself, and b) Paul will be eating with his parents. I told him that if it was 7 and I wasn’t back he should eat anyway, but he said he’d wait. It was a nice thing of him to say.

Ryan would sometimes ask these last few days why I was in their dorm so much, but then either say “nevermind” or quickly change the subject. I brought it up tonight, and he said he didn’t mind me in there, nor did Paul, he just wonders sometimes why I’m not in my dorm when I’m apparently doing nothing but reading. (For all of you out there, here are my reasons: I don’t like my roommate, my room feels quite uncomfortable, and it’s lonely without good friends popping in.) So then we got into a little discussion about me being scared of being left out of going to dinner, like they do to Charles sometimes. Ryan said I shouldn’t worry about that, b/c if they went to dinner without me he knows I’d get very upset. I misinterpreted that and started crying and told him I thought we should break up, but then he set me right and told me about how he just wanted to make me happy… sometimes I feel really dumb about stuff like that. I feel like a little kid about a lot of things, too, lately. I get upset at the slightest things, I cling to people I know, I act very immature… it’s like my mental stability decided to take a very very long sabatical.

Wow, was this long and rambling and random. If you read this far you get a cookie!