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Wednesday, April 30th, 2003 @ 10:21pm. Category: KMorg.Well…
I did it.
I broke up with Ryan.
I just couldn’t take it anymore. There was absolutely no passion left. All that stuff that’s been building up, all that stuff we agreed to try to change… none of it happened. Everything just stayed the same. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I didn’t want to end the relationship, but I didn’t know what else to do. Ryan wasn’t going to end it for my sake, so I had to act.
Today was the first time in an uncountable time that I’ve seen him really, truely sad. It’s probably the first time ever that I’ve looked up and found him ready to cry. God, I never want to see that look on his face ever again. It tore at me.
I’ve been cryaing and thinking all day. I ate dinner with Sean and talked to him tonight as well about everything. It was good to talk to somebody about it.
Ryan and I talked some more about it when I got my car keys from him and I dropped off some of his clothes at his dorm.
I realized tonight in the shower that I’ve been missing him so much because I also was trying to alienate my best friend. Ryan is my best friend. When I broke up with him today I tried to sever myself completely. It left me lonely, empty, and hurt. I talked to him over IM tonight and told him about it. He said that if I wanted to remain friends with him that was fine.
It seems that I care so much about him, and he cares so much about me, yet we just couldn’t make this work. I really wanted it to work. We just couldn’t make it work, though.
Maybe we’ll get back together. Maybe not. I don’t know. I’m still not sure whether I made a mistake or if i did the right thing. Everything is very mixed up and confused.
I’m going to dinner tomorrow with everyone, icluding him. I need to see the friends we share. Friday we’re all going to try to go to X-Men 2. I know I will have difficulty seeing Ryan in person tomorrow for dinner, and probably for a while. I hope I can spend some time with him before he goes back home for the summer, though. I doubt we’ll see each other much over the summer– neither of us will have places to sleep.
I’m tired. I think I am going to bed. I’m going to try not to think anymore about this so I can sleep.
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pat | 01-May-03 at 5:56 am | Permalink
So that means I can ask you out now right?
In all seriousness, I’m sure you guys will remain friends. I’ve stayed friends with a number of my exes. Some pretty successfully. One of which is one of my best friends.
No really, I’d date you. ;-)
effika | 01-May-03 at 2:40 pm | Permalink
Thanks Pat. :)