HFCS: effika’s blog

It just hurts so much.

I am not exactly sure what happened, Ryan and I took a walk and talked, and now I feel loads better. I also am tired (truely tired) and I was hungry tonight and I haven’t been eating more than a meal a day since Wednesday. So whatever happened, it was good.
I [...]

Well…
Now he told me he thinks he led me on and let me get my hopes up too much on Saturday night. Apparently he’s not really that interested in a romantic relationship with me right now. He says I should just let things happen over the summer. At the very least, I’ll [...]

I’m so confused, but I’m happy, so…
I’m friends with Ryan. I have this feeling I’m going to feel jealous if he’s telling me about other girls, though. But I think I can handle him as a friend.
I no longer want to either a)be with him or b) not be with him, [...]

I miss Ryan.
God I hate being here for the summer. I can’t talk to my best friend (Ryan) whenever I want to.
Things are just so messed up right now. I can’t believe how much has changed in a little over a week.
I’m waiting for him to e-mail me back. [...]

I’m getting mails from “Replicants” now.
My experiment in beating my brain into pulp is working. When I saw the previews before The Matrix, I wanted to see every one of them. I also thought, during the Last Samurai preview, “But Tom Cruise isn’t Jewish,” meaning that he was not Japanese. Since I [...]

Two tornadoes went through Ryan’s town last night, apparently one was about 20 feet from the house. He was at work at the time so he missed it, running the first showing of the new Matrix, and they had to stop showing the movie about 25 minutes into it. Everyone’s OK up there, [...]

I am messing with the fonts, give me some slack for a few days.
Look what I realized today: when I talked with Ryan, on the phone and on AIM, it was like talking to Paul.
Paul is somebody whom I care about deeply, one of the few people in this life whom I [...]

Think I’ve got the fonts how I want them…
I watched Spirited Away again last night with Charles (partway) and David (the rest). It got over about 2.15 am. David was very surprised by the news of the breakup, but didn’t seem much interested beyond that. I hadn’t seen him since spring break, [...]

I apparently own at Dyanasty Warriors 4. Awesome. :-)
I flirted with Sean tonight. It was nice to have somebody flirt back. I doubt anything will come of it, at least anytime soon, but he really is fun to talk to. This is good, as he keeps my mind off less-fun things [...]

This may sound strange, but I think I am over Ryan. Not bitter, not depressed, but not happy about it, either. I can finally see that we really did need to break up, no matter how comfortable we’d gotten in the relationship. Right now I have no desire to get back together [...]

Finally started digging out my room.
My room, while I was gone to college, was used for storage. So most of the stuff that has been taking up space really wasn’t mine, but I had to deal with it anyway. I’ve got about half of my room cleaned out, and now one of my [...]

OH wow…
Not sure what I just did, but I was talking to Sean tonight and I think I might actually like him. Like enough to date sort of like him. And he likes me back.
I am happy, and yet extremely confused.

I told Ryan that I’d started talking to Sean again, and that also I felt the same way about him (Ryan) as he did about me– ie, not romantically. I didn’t mention anything else. One thing I love/hate about IM is that you can’t ever tell what the other person’s reaction is unless [...]

Striptease for me, baby.
I want this hsf more than any promises of anything right now.
Luckily it will be in my posession sometime next week. ^-^
I also have my Overclocked Lemon shirt! It came in the mail today.
My history night-class sucks badly, there’s a reason the guy is teaching in a community college.
Oh, [...]

/me swears off men for a while
No, I’m not a lesbian now… :-)
Sean’s got some girl he’s been talking to for 4 years that he thinks might actually meet him soon. Looks like this is not rebound man, but merely guy friend who wants to sleep with you but would have major guilt about [...]

It’s not quite a quote but somebody may have already said it, but this is what I thought up tonight:
I think I know why coloring is so relaxing. All you have to do when coloring is stay in the lines. Somebody’s already made the rules and set a course of action. There [...]