HFCS: effika’s blog

So Ryan’s been very odd lately. It turns out he apparently still has feelings for me, even though we broke up over a year ago, and thought that we’d be back together. He had a plan for this summer to slowly woo me again, apparently. He’s now going through all the horrible break-up feelings of worthlessness and anger and whatnot that I had to go through last May-June-July. It makes me wonder if he really did love me, or if he’s just obsessed and doesn’t think he’ll ever get another girl. At first I didn’t think I’d ever find another guy and so tried for a while to get Ryan to take me back, even though I was the one who broke us up. At the time he said I needed to mature more before he’d think about it. That’s what I’m telling him now, but he doesn’t believe he’s got any growing up to do. It’s a learning experience, albeit a very hard and unfun one, but it’s something he’s got to go through. I can’t just put all my feelings aside and claim to love him romantically again. Breaking up with Ryan was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it’s also probably the best decision I’ve made in the last few years. I got over my blues and learned about myself. I don’t think I would have been able to fix myself if I was still with Ryan– he’s the type that if he’s not happy, nobody is happy.

And of course there’s Sean. I hope he didn’t get too jealous when I went to see Spiderman 2 last night with Ryan and some people he knew from school and work. Afterwards Ryan said that sitting through the movie next to me was awkward, and that he wasn’t sure what “level” to take things at. Before Ryan brought everything up, I treated us as good friends. I suppose the best analogy I can give of this is that I was treating him how I’d treat a sibling that I was close to. I felt fine during the movie, didn’t think anything was awkward. Of course, when we broke up last year he and I and our friends went to see X-Men 2 and it was probably the most awkward moment of my life.

I see all these parallels between what Ryan’s going through now and what I went through last summer, but he won’t listen to any advice I have. He wants me back, but I don’t want to take him back. I like having control of my free time, and doing activities that I want to do, not just the ones that don’t take away from “us” time.

I’ve been really worried about Ryan’s mental well-being lately… luckily Paul is coming up today to stay for a week. Hopefully they’ll have a nice chat, and hopefully Ryan will talk to Paul before he talks to me. It sounds aweful but I’m getting tired of Ryan’s pleas for me to come back to him, and his queries as to how he can win me back. He’s not talking through his feelings– I would have no problem listening to him if he did. Perhaps talking to Paul first will get some of this out of his system.

Also, Sean left for BA yesterday. It was really tough, but I think I got through it alright. We did a lot of talking about what will happen, and that always helps. Last night I had some jealousy issues, but I think those are OK now. I’m already missing Sean– this morning I felt like I could fall asleep standing in the shower, and I thought to myself, “Maybe I can get Sean to take a nap with me this afternoon.” The way he holds me always relaxes me (stopping my mind from thinking about a million things a minute even though I’m trying to sleep), and it’s very easy to doze off while watching TV with him. Of course, my next thought was that Sean was about 2 hours away right now… grr. Ah well, hopefully I can see him soon. The spec is starting to read so I’d better watch it. It was about time for a good long post. :-)

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