HFCS: effika’s blog

I hate this period, when it’s not quite Fall and not quite Summer and Winter seems far away, and Spring like it will never come again. I know I need Fall to appreciate Spring, but these seasons just bring me down. This period when the light gets shorter always reminds me of staying home at night while my parents went to church class/work parties for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New year’s Eve, anything to get out of the house. Celebration was key– the days were shorter, but for every hour of light lost it was spent with friends. This is a time when I was a young teenager– I couldn’t drive, and didn’t have very many friends. I was stuck at home with no one to talk to. Even my little sister would go to a friend’s house, but I was the homebody, and spent such nights reading Redbook and Good Housekeeping. Everything was yellow with incandescent lighting, and to this day I can’t stand normal lightbulbs. The walls of my old appartment were done in some almond color, and it drove me crazy during nights like tonight. Last Fall I didn’t go out at night much– Ryan had his job at Sbarro’s and didn’t come home until 10.30pm, sometimes 11 or 12. Paul and Charles had either class or wanted silence. I was just getting to really know Sean at that time. By the end of Fall I knew Sean well enough to spend most nights with him, thankfully. There’s something about the night, and me having no one to spend it with in the ideal way. At this time of the year there’s more and more of the night to deal with. There’s more and more time to look at the JC Penney’s catalogue and think how nice that Velour blanket would be to cuddle up to somebody with, while enjoying hot chocolate and a movie. How cozy that down comforter would feel on cold nights, all curled up next to somebody, trapping your heat together in a cocoon.

By Christmas break Sean and I were close enough that we were calling each other every day we were apart. I had found somebody to share the depressing dark that fall brought, and turned it into the cozy vision of Winter I’d always had. It was still a rocky time, and it wasn’t until the days started getting longer that we finally found peace with each other.

I feel like I’m back where I started. I’m 14 again, reading magazines meant for people over twice my age. I’m sitting here in sickly yellow light. I’m looking for a set of flannel sheets and thinking how cozy it all would be and how perfect they’d be to share.

Nights are always hardest on me. Days are my own and I deal with them, but nights were meant to be shared.

]]>