HFCS: effika’s blog

I have never had the social instinct that others seem to have. I learned all my manners from books and advice columns, and I learned how to interact with real live people from stories those ESTJs (the most gregarious type) would tell me online, and by people-watching. After ten years or so of study, I’ve got a pretty good grasp on how to behave around other people. I’m no longer un-aproachable, for the most part I can carry on small talk with a stranger (even if it is taxing), and lately it’s become second nature to act social in situations where it’s expected. Sometimes I even enjoy it. :-)

Tonight I had dinner with Paul, and at the end we had a nice hug. As I had iniated the act, I thanked him for it. Paul then held me out at arms length, surprised–

“You’re not supposed to thank people for hugs, you know.”

“You’re not?”

“No, it makes it sound like it’s a favor.”

– and pulled me in for a more proper hug before parting.

(Paul sure does use a lot of indefinite pronouns for an English major.)

On some level I felt that it was a favor to hug me, or go to dinner with me, or to see movies with me, or in general spend time around me. It’s one of those relics Ryan left me. That I’m so awkward that nobody else would have me, ect. For the most part I’m back to acting like I’d never met him. And here’s Paul, somebody who’s cared for me for many years, and I’m thanking him for a hug. He’s right, of course. If he didn’t want to hug me, he wouldn’t. Even if Paul didn’t want to hug me but cared enough to do so anyway so I wouldn’t feel bad, he’s still hugging me. He would still want to in that case, even if it’s not the same want as I have. It’s a completely voluntary exchange of feeling-good, and not a favor. A favor is somthing like keeping my suitcase at his place so I can leave right after class on Friday to make it to the dentist (which would have happened if my appointment wasn’t moved up six weeks.).

I’ve been reading a lot of Joseph Heller. Can you tell?

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